The Perils of Personals
by Who Died of Ennui
Summary: Through the Daily Prophets personals, Ginny Weasley gains a mysterious lover... although nobody's really sure what's going on where and when. This is a parody... enjoy!


The Perils of Personals  
  
Ginny Weasley was happy and angst-free, for a change. Tonight, she would meet her mysterious lover, at long last.  
  
They had communicated through the personals in the Daily Prophet for quite some time, the "attractive yng. redhed. f. seeks nice m." (that was Ginny) and the "lovely yng. blnde. f./m. seeks purty 1" (that was her lover).  
  
After a while, the stranger noticed Ginny's posting, and entered in a shout- out to her: "Ying Reded, my Azn friend, me seek you!!"  
  
Ginny was reluctant to respond, of course, but after a period of about five seconds, her thirst for a steady relationship won out, and she entered in a reply: "Yng Redhed sez: me no Azn. Me lov u, tho, Blnde Confused."  
  
This went on for quite some time, as they posted messages in the personals, back and forth, discussing politics, religion, their favorite colors, and the details of foul diseases which they had acquired, from oozing pus to ear-bleeding.  
  
Naturally, many disturbed perverts read these notices with great pleasure. "Eh, 'as Yng Redhed really 'ad leprosy? Eh, me too!"  
  
Finally, after about two weeks of postings back and forth, Ginny decided that she would wilt if they did not meet and come into close physical contact immediately. That day, she posted her notice in the personals: "Yng Redhed needs Blnde Frend, NOW!! Meet at the place that was discussed."  
  
Naturally, the Blnde Frend replied the very next day, "y.!! meet@hogwarts in closet around 7pm."  
  
Ginny read this and smiled, before beginning to dance about the room with pronounced fever. Then, she screamed, "Me meet me Blnde Frend 2morro!", having forgotten how to speak in an unabbreviated way.  
  
-----  
  
Harry Potter had been amazingly interested in her paper lately, thought Hermione Granger, as she pushed him away from her shoulder. He burped softly in her ear, took a bite of his dinner, and then nuzzled his way back to a position where he could continue to see her copy of the Daily Prophet.  
  
"Bugger off, Harry," said Hermione. "What're you so interested in, anyways?"  
  
"O, nothing... I was just checking up on some sort of... thing... that's been in the paper's personals lately."  
  
"Are you talking about... erm... Yng Reded and Blnde Frend?" Hermione asked, struggling with the improperly-spelled atrocities.  
  
"Why, yea, I suppose that..." he paused and nervously attempted to eat his napkin, "I suppose that's what they were called, weren't they, yes?"  
  
"Harry? Are you hiding something?" Hermione questioned.  
  
"Damn, is that the time? 6:30 P.M. already? Sorry, must dash!" said Harry, knocking over his plate, jumping up, and running out of the area.  
  
-----  
  
Draco Malfoy sat alone, avidly perusing the personals section of the Daily Prophet. All of a sudden, he seemed to notice something. He glanced up, and, seeing that it was 6:30 P.M. already, he stood casually up, and, tossing the paper aside, glanced at himself in the mirror before hurrying out towards the entrance hall.  
  
-----  
  
Ron Weasley was amazingly hyper. He was practically climbing the walls. He was, in fact, driving Seamus and Dean, two of the people he shared his dormitory with, quite mad.  
  
"Ron, s-s-slow d-down!" stuttered Seamus. He was greasing his hair down with some green slime that he had produced out of his trunk. Then, he glanced at a clock, and aid swiftly to the others, "Well, must be off. Shall be back later. G'bye." He trotted off.  
  
"Oh, is that the time?" said Ron stupidly. "Yes, I think I'll be going now." He hyperly ran down the spiral stairs and out through the portrait hole.  
  
Dean did not say anything, but looked alarmedly at the clock, and, after a moment's indecision, walked down the stairs after the others.  
  
-----  
  
Rubeus Hagrid was busily combing axle grease into his beard when he chanced to look at a clock. He jumped, and, banging open the door, began running up towards the castle.  
  
-----  
  
Albus Dumbledore was twisting proudly in front of the mirror, modeling his new long, shimmery blue robes. He smiled, and put on an opal-ridden belt that he had stolen from Madame Maxime. Then, he turned and strode calmly out through the door, ignoring the young serpent which had just jumped up and grabbed his phoenix, Fawkes, in its mouth.  
  
-----  
  
Severus Snape rubbed horse liniment on his white, hairy, creepily spider- like legs. Then, he pulled on his usual black lacy nightgown and his usual black robes over that. Having completed his toilette, he strode, as only he could without appearing too ridiculous, out the door and away.  
  
-----  
  
Ginny Weasley put on the black lacy nightgown that she had borrowed from her Potions teacher and former boyfriend, Professor Snape. Then, she rubbed some green grease, from her classmate and former boyfriend, Seamus, into her hair. Next, she put on some very small green robes, which revealed her black lace, that she had recieved from her classmate and former boyfriend, Harry Potter. Then, she put on a 24-karat-gold-with-huge-emeralds necklace that her former boyfriend, Draco Malfoy, had bought for her. Lastly, she put a carved-moonstone decorative comb, which she had recieved from her former boyfriend, Professor Dumbledore, into her red hair. Reviewing her reflection in the mirror with pride, she set off.  
  
-----  
  
Ginny thought she could hear whispering from the closet as she approached it, but she was sure it was her imagination.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and was greeted by about thirty men and boys.  
  
She jumped slightly, but then forgot about her troubles and ran right in.  
  
"Howdy, Yng Redhed!" said they.  
  
"Which-which one of you is Blnde Frend?" she asked.  
  
"Not me!"  
  
"Nor I!"  
  
"Same here!"  
  
"Is anyone here my Blnde Frend, then?" she asked.  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Eh, damn. Well, I still have thirty-two males all to myself."  
  
Suddenly, one immensely hormone-driven second year jumped on top of her, and would have done wordless things had the author not stood up and shouted, "I don't trust people who write rape scenes! Nooo!"  
  
The second year was turned into a lemur by Dumbledore, who stood up, hitting his head on the ceiling. "Are you hurt, Ginny, darling?"  
  
"No! That was fun!" said she staidly.  
  
There was a sudden silence, in which the doorknob rattled and turned slowly. In walked Voldemort.  
  
"Hey, where's Yng Redhed? This is Blnde Frend here," said he. Ginny stepped forward.  
  
"Here," said she.  
  
"I possessed you once, didn't I? Ah, well, let us depart." He leaned over, picked her up, and walked out.  
  
The assorted males started wailing. Then, Snape stood up, smiling radiantly, and said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. There are many others just like her in the world."  
  
Everybody in the closet joined hands, having learned a valuable lesson, that there are indeed plenty of coquettes to go around.  
  
The End 


End file.
